Making Tomorrow Count

 

Today at work I looked around at my coworkers and realized that nobody there really cares about anything or anyone but them selves. They complain that they never receive any positive feedback from our boss and they feel like they work too hard. Then they turn around and treat those they work with the exact same way. 

People are afraid of giving others compliments on a job well done for fear that that person will get noticed by management and move up the ladder instead of their selves. I see it all the time. It’s funny really. And it confirms something I read not long ago-we attract to us what we put out. Or something like that. The next time I notice someone has done a good deed at work I’m going to email them thanks and let them know I noticed.

 

Today there were a lot of emails going back and forth from myself, occupational health and safety, my boss, his boss, my union rep, a rep from workplace respect department and 2 more people from some health advisory board. ugh…all this over my doctors request to have my shifts reduced a little. Now I’m suppose to have a meeting with all these people next week to discuss my need for medical accommodations. I am worried that the department will say that the new restrictions my doctor has place on me will not work for the department and I am worried about my job security. I know that they can’t fire me for having work problems due to an illness but I still worry what repercussions this will have.

I have already been harassed at work SEVERAL times due to my illness and am tired of trying to stand up for myself. MY LIFE IS SHIT! I have PTSD and major depression. I often wish a car would crash into me on my way to work killing me so my life will end but not by suicide. And they are all fighting over my doc orders. I suspect some of them have very real ulterior motives. See I work in a department that’s trying to down size it’s staff so it would be convenient if I lost my job.

Then the union rep is little to no help. I don’t even know what they do. I contacted the person form the respectful workplace department myself because of the “confrontation” I had with another coworker in the past. She bullied me in front everyone asking why I call in sick so much. She told me I put the department in ‘bad shape’ due to my calling in sick. And she went as far as to say ‘we no longer have compassion for you’. WTF!!!

I was shocked, belittled, and humiliated. It brought me right back to my childhood when my mother would belittle me and my feelings EVERY DAMN DAY. She made me feel so small that I tried running away at age 5. I hated myself because she hated me and that went on for 20 years.

Now, I have to work with the person that said those things to me. Not only did she say those things but she also altered my time sheet so I would lose and hour of pay and hoped nobody would notice it. She sits across from me. She laughs about stupid things 

 

too. But I was assured that she was ‘spoken’ to regarding her unprofessional manner.

Ha-yup, then why is it I feel like the out cast and she’s laughing and taking her breaks with the managers?

 

Don’t get me wrong I’m not having a pity party here. I’m just keeping it real. I believe in telling it like it is. And when I have to attend this meeting next week I’ll be sure to voice MY complaints about how unfair I’m being treated. If they want me gone then they are going to have to kill me-or wait until I do it myself. Fuckers.

 

Now, tonight I will sleep-dreamless and wake up feeling-dear I say it?…refreshed. Then I’ll spend the morning with my daughter and bring her to school. Tomorrow I will not feel guilty about not being at work. I will go OUTSIDE. And I will go for a walk in nature with my husband. I WILL speak only truths to him and will ask him real questions. I will try to smile-from a genuine place. And I will MAKE TIME to meditate. I will also review all my information on how to stay grounded when being triggered. 

Tomorrow will fucking count. Count towards recovery for ME.