This will be CAKE!

Today is my appointment with my employer to discuss my updated schedule changes by my psychiatrist.

I’m pretty worried and scared about what will be decided at this meeting. My greatest fear is that my employer will decide that their duty to accommodate me is stretched to far and they simply cannot continue. Then what will I do- have to decide between work and getting the help necessary to get PTSD under control? ugh….

They tell me these are the following people that will attend the meeting:

-my direct supervisor and his supervisor

-occupational health and safety rep, specifically a Disability Management Consultant

-Labour Relations Officer(a duty to accommodate advisor)

-Someone from HR

My sister just asked me if I wanted her to go with me for support. However, my husband did not. Even though he is aware that I’ve been stressing over this and he went to the last apt I had with my employer regarding this issue. So, I told him I was disappointed that he didn’t offer to come. He said he didn’t know I wanted him to and asked if I did in fact want him to come. I told him I didn’t want him there now. It would would be more distracting now than supportive. Like I was making him do it. His overlooking how hard this apt is for me, is a true reflection of his constant overlooking how difficult PTSD is. It’s like this stuff is so easy to handle that it didn’t even occur to him that I may need him. Yea….I was only up all night reading about labour laws and human rights. And I was talking about how stressed I was over this all week. Ugh!!!!!!!!

 It kinda feels like this happened:

“So hun, I’m off the that dreadful appointment where a big group

                   of my peers from work will all sit around and discuss whether or

                  not to keep me on due to all my mental problems and such.  I will

                 undoubtedly cry, silently the entire time while thoughts of suicide 

                 dance in my head.”

                                                                ” Ok, dear good luck. I’m off to hang with Gorge.”

                                                                                                  ~~~~

I, however am NOT mental and I do realize that is not exactly what happened. This however, is:

He didn’t offer his support because he’s mad at me for the last fight, not because he didn’t realize I would have liked having him by my side. And how do I know that’s the truth of it? HE TOLD ME SO.

Before I left for said fucked appointment he made an announcement to me. He said that EVEN THOUGH HE WAS TOTALLY AT FAULT for the last fight(something he had admitted to over the last few days), that it has caused him to loose a lot of love for me and because of that I shouldn’t expect the same support that he usually gives me. I SWEAR TO GOD THAT IS HIS EXACT WORDS.

I was in such disbelief at that statement that I repeated it back to him to ensure I was getting his meaning correct(as there has been a lot of ‘I didn’t mean it like that’ statements coming from him lately). So, I said-Do you realize the statement you just made to me? He as like-“what”? This is exactly what I said then-You just stated to me that because of our last fight, you now love me less. so I shouldn’t expect you to support me in things like this now. Even though you admitted that the last fight was “all your fault” and “I never should have acted the way I did” and “I was totally off and being ignorant and I want you to help me understand how to support you.”

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told him that he is basically punishing me for a fight he takes full responsibility for. Then he goes on a rant about how rude it is that I didn’t take a post on my facebook page down. You know the one where I wrote that of all people on my friends list the only one that deleted me after my PTSD “confession” was my husband. Cause it makes him look like a dick. And it’s RUDE OF ME that I kept it up there after he commented on my post that he was sorry and re-added me as a friend. I had no intentions of taking down any of my fb posts. It’s the truth. He did look like a dick cause he was acting like one. Then he apologized in a comment that negates the dick insult.

Apparently he had expected I would remove the entire thing. NOPE. Putting it up there is the only thing that makes him ACCOUNTABLE to his FUCKED actions and way of thinking. It also acts as a support system for me and allows for others to either confirm my way of looking at the situation or make me realize I am the one that has it all wrong.

So, he then left and he did say-Good Luck. I said Thanks and left shortly after.

I can do this. This appointment is nothing compared to what I’ve had to deal with. I can do this on my own. I’ve been to my bottom and it’s a hell of a lot uglier than this. This will be cake.