Do you see your accomplishments for what they truly are?

I read a post from my one my regulars(Falling down the rabbit hole) entitled “don’t even think about quitting” and it provoked me to write this post……

My friends post has opened my mind to the thought of self-punishment vs allowing yourself to enjoy and relish in your own accomplishments. Confidence vs cocky and pushing ourselves to continue to find challenges in life and whether or not we give those accomplishments the weight they deserve?

 

Where do you fit into those references? Do you allow yourself to enjoy your accomplishments? Do you over enjoy? Do you diminish your achievements or give them the weight they truly deserve? Are you satisfied when you reach your goal and take a rest or do you jump right back into the race to get the next feat completed? Are you too hard on yourself? Do you often find you punish yourself for goals unmet or praise yourself for the deeds overcome?

Do you think having an “illness” such as PTSD predisposes us towards one way of thinking more than the other? Do you think genetics plays a role here? Or does our upbringing have the most influence?

 

Such hard questions. What are your thoughts?

 

 

 

And if I may ask each of you to list one accomplishment of yours without diminishing it. Is it hard to do? Easy?

 

 

My one accomplishment:

The one that I’m most proud of is that I grew up in an area where poverty was the norm, our education system was truly laughable, and I was told again and again that I would end up just like me Mother-Single parent, on welfare(social assistance) with no job and no respect.

Well, I received my (less than adequate) high school diploma in a community of 500 people or less. I left and gained my graduate diploma in a well known college that allowed me the means to move (pretty much) anywhere in the world and be able to obtain a well paying job. I completed university and went on to no only gain respect from others but to have a daughter that I am so very proud of. I am a single parent but it feels right.

I did that. I did that on my own. I did that in spite of others telling me it wasn’t going to happen. I proved them wrong and I am proud of myself for that.

…….Oh, my God. That felt great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (but yes, it was hard).

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Now, your turn.

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PTSD? Why Don’t You Just Forget The Past And Be Happy?

If you are having any trouble understanding PTSD or often wonder why the brain reacts to trauma like it does, then I urge you to read the following post.

It was written by one of my favorite bloggers and is filled with facts as well as confirmation that those suffering from PTSD are truly suffering from a very real illness.

If you enjoy the below post (isn’t her writing impeccable?) head over to her page-Raised by Psychopaths and start folllowing immediately.

My letter to my husband….

Please forgive my writing/ grammar…I was shaking and crying while writing this………. 

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I’m going to sleep now. I would appreciate any comments or suggestions. Please just tell me what you would do?

 

I realize lately I’m doing more “take” than “give”, with regards to comments……I will correct the balance very soon.

 

Thank you for reading.

Where have I been?

I have been away from posting for some time. Sorry if anyone missed me. I have been so weak and am still struggling to fight.

 

The drama between my husband and I had left me too tormented to post in the past little bit. Since our last explosion things have changed. I gave him the pieces of me that he wants and kept my ugly pieces to myself. I am off work now and seeking more help from counselors(psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, etc.). 

I have a group therapy starting up next week(?week after?).

I have a daily wellness form to fill out. It has spaces for self care(shower, brush teeth), eating, exercise, positive or negative thoughts, interaction with others, sleep, etc….It is suppose to help me see where I am struggling and where I am doing helpful things. I can’t always fill it out because…I dunno why. I don’t want to realize how bad I’ve become. 

Time went on and I with my ups and downs trying to hide it from everyone. I have moved the energy I gave to work to other areas of my life. Mostly hiding my mood/ problems from my husband. I pretend to like sex again and give him my body. I don’t ask for help with my responsibilities as a parent from him. I don’t tell him about my struggles with PTSD/Depression. I go back to robot mode.

 

That only lasted so long, as you can guess. 

 

Today I asked for his help and he denied me. He doesn’t see that I need help from him. He thinks I want him to do my “work” so I can sleep/watch tv/paint…..He said he doesn’t feel any pity for me. 

I screamed at him that I AM HIS WIFE AND I DON’T WANT IF FUCKING PITY. I WANT HIS HELP. 

Now I lay here in bed typing these words so I will remember. 

I DON’T WANT ANYONE’S FUCKING PITY.

What is love?

Love is when your husband tells you he’s not going to pity you.

Love is when your husband not only doesn’t see your pain but denies your need for support.

Love is when your step father puts a shotgun to your head and pretends to shoot.

Love is when your step father tells his buddies to make a pass at you he your in high school.

Love is when your mother tells you your physical safety is insignificant.

Love is when your mother allows others to hurt you.

What is Love?

What is lies?

What is the truth?

 

The truth is that I am married to a man that is insensitive to my feelings. A man that is the most selfish person I have ever known. A man that is loosing my respect. 

 

The truth is that I am a daughter to an abusive, irresponsible, pathological liar. A mother that taught me that I am worthless. A mother that lives in an imaginary world where her actions were not her own. 

 

The truth is that my step father was an alcoholic that liked to threatened little girls. A man that stole your safety along with your sense of self. A man that equally brilliant and horrible.

That is love?

 

 

follow up to my last post……..Remember.

I post this to serve as more information for any followers that have read my very last post today and for myself. So that I will remember what was said in this moment. 

My husband just returned from his dinner with his sister. 

He came into our bedroom where I am reading on the computer. He asked while dressing for bed-So, what’s the deal with us? Are we talking, not talking, am I leaving on the first or what?

I said-EXACTLY:

I am dealing with PTSD and I am struggling with symptoms, that I cannot hind from you. I need to focus on getting through this and on my health. I will understand if you cannot deal with it and if you want to leave because of that then I won’t ask you to stay.

He didn’t say anything. Didn’t even look at me.

So, I said do you have anything to say? He said -no. and left with his pillow.

Then he came back in and was getting his computer and another pillow and said something along the lines of ok, then if your not going to talk about things then what can I do…..or something along that line that didn’t make sense to me as I had just opened up the ‘talking’ and told him the above statement. Confusing.

 

So, as we walked out the door, I said-what are you talking about? I just was talking to you about this. He then closed the door and left.

………………………………..

Remember the way he didn’t look at you when he first addressed you.

Remember that he did not even acknowledge anything you said.

Remember that he didn’t offer anything to the “conversation” .

Remember how he HAD HIS MIND MADE UP EVEN BEFORE HE CAME INTO THE ROOM.

 

Remember how he said it feels like we are just roomates.

Remember how he said he would give us about 2 years or so of little to no sex before he would be forced to ‘re-evaluate’ if we should stay together.

Remember how he gives ultimatums.

Remember that he told you that YOU have to earn his support back and that you should not expect the same sort of love/support after our last ‘big fight’.

Remember that he admitted that his actions were manipulative before but now said it as not.

Remember how he abandoned you when you needed him the most.

Remember that the threatened to cause custody trouble for me if I didn’t remover a post about my ptsd on face book.

Remember how he complained that we only had sex 2 times on our honeymoon-due to my having an allergic reaction that caused me to have painful hives all over my body, and my constant nightmares that made me wake up screaming during the night due to triggers of rape.

Remember how selfish he truly is.

Remember that if he actually loved you he would learn about PTSD and how to help inspite of his fears.

Remember him.

Remember the real him.

Remember that I need to focus on my health, on a stable, drama free household.  

SELF-HARM is not all BAD-it’s a coping mechanism!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I apologize for not replying to those that have so nicely nominated me for certain awards. I am unable at this time to respond other than to say I do appreciate the compliment. I am not in a place where I can think about anything other than the latest drama in my life and my struggle with self-harm.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~the subject of CUTTING is openly discussed in the post below~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I NEED YOU HELPFUL ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

My husband and I have had a very bad fight. It centered around self-harm. Basically he told me that he is very uncomfortable with the subject and is unable to deal with it. He said if I do engage in self-harm(cutting) then he would leave the marriage.

Please note that he has been to speak to my psychiatrist with me. We discussed the subject of cutting and suicide idelation. My husband knows that I have cut in the past and he knows I struggle with thoughts of suicide. The psychiatrist explained to him that while cutting is not an ideal way to cope with emotional numbing it is not so alarming that it indicates I am a harm to myself or others. He explained also that thoughts of suicide is a way for some suffering from PTSD/DEPRESSION to fantasize, if you will about an easy way out. 

 

I’ve had many, many talks about both subjects with my psychiatrist and while he had suggested that I use ice water instead of cutting as a way to break through the emotional numbing, if I cannot do that then it’s “not the end of the world”. He said that as long as I cut only to aid in this and not as a way to cause a very serious injury to myself then it’s not considered an act that would lead him to think I am a harm to myself/others.

 

My husband said he has been reading about cutting and he had not indicated to me since our appointment with the psyc any uncomfortable feelings he has towards the subjects discussed. 

 

Today we got in a fight. The fight ran it’s course and we were in the middle of making up when I told him that he needs to better communicate to me if he has any feelings/concerns about my symptoms because I really need to concentrate on my health and need to keep stress at a minimum. 

Then he said that he is more than uncomfortable with if I cut and he doesn’t agree with the reasoning the psyc gave. He also went as far as to say that the talks with the psyc did little to ease his concerns. He went on to tell me that he is unsure where his “limit” to being able to cope/stand by me with these symptoms. Then he said that he thinks his limit is if I cut he cannot deal with it and would not be able to be with me if I did that.

 

Knowing that he is uncomfortable with these subjects I don’t usually confide in him when I do cut or when suicide occupies most of my thoughts. But to hear him put an ultimatum on his support for me made me angry. So, I showed him 2 fresh cuts I had made recently on my leg.

He freaked.

Most of the actions/comments that followed were a blur. But what stuck with me were the way he did NOT comfort me and say he was worried about my and wanted me to get more professional help. What he did do was ask me if I would go to the local Mental Hospital to “talk” to someone about my cutting. I refused. I am seeing a psychiatrist and am following him instructions. I am being as responsible about my mental problems as I can be so NO, I do not need to go seek help from a mental hospital.

He also went to the knife drawer and took a LARGE knife and pretended to proceed to cut himself. He stopped when I said he was acting psychotic.

He then called his sister and told her the entire thing- yawn.

He then told me to call my psychiatrist and my sister to tell them all that I had cut myself a few days ago. To see if they think I am mental.

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I then continued to answer and explain myself and my need for cutting to my husbands sister. YES, REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She of course doesn’t understand it and while I did an excellent job at explaining how cutting can be a coping mechanism and not an indication of ones deteriorated mental state. After that long, uncomfortable conversation(interview), I then explained what had “happened” to my sister. I then answered her few questions and listened as she took sides on the different concerns/actions both myself and my husband asked her. Image

Ultimately our group “conversation” (between, my sister, myself and my husband) went in the direction where I told my husband we are done. And my sister told me she thinks my husband is trying to help but just doesn’t understand. UGH……..HELLO, does anyone here realize the issue is not if he understands or is comfortable with my cutting. But the real issue is if I am being responsible and seeking and following the advice of a psychiatrist????OF WHICH I AM DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ugh.

So, he left and said he was coming back after (celebrating his sisters birthday) and wanted to make sure I was ok with that. I told him I’d rather he stay at his sisters house and he said NO.

After he left I had a very long awkward silence period with my sister and then when she finally said something I told her that I understand that she has her own opinion but she didn’t make things easier on me by the things she said. She basically agreed with my husband and even said that she may have reacted the same way he did. I then explained to her that I think a husband should have reacted in a comforting way instead of attacking me. When someone loves you they do not give you ultimatums and they do not throw things in your face that you are struggling with.

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I HAVE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER AND MAJOR DEPRESSION. BOTH MY HUSBAND AND SISTER KNOW I HAVE CUT IN THE PAST. BOTH KNOW I AM SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST-STEPS I TOOK MYSELF. BOTH KNOW I AM TAKING THINGS DAY-TO-DAY. BOTH HAVE HEARD MY EXPLANATION ABOUT WHY I CUT AND THE FACT THAT SUICIDE THOUGHTS ARE ONLY FANTASY. BOTH HAVE SAID THEY TRUST ME TO CARE FOR MY DAUGHTER. 

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK?

 

I’ve gone over and over the things said. Gone over and over the facts. Gone over and over hat I need in order to continue with my journey towards a HEALTHY LIFE.

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YOUR THOUGHTS PLEASE-even if you don’t agree with my point of view. Please help me.

Should I stay with my marriage?…I don’t know if he is willing to or not at this point.

Should I trust my psychiatrist?

Should I admit myself to a mental hospital?

I thought I was getting better and I know cutting is not the best coping mechanism but I figure it helps for right now. I am fighting everyday against to get better but I continue to feel as though my husband just keeps having tantrums about my inability to just get over PTSD. I hate that he seems to only support me to a point. I hate that he says he doesn’t understand the cutting but yet doesn’t ask to go get professional advice on the subject. I hate that my sister took his side in most of the things we asked her about. I hate that I have PTSD. I hate that I’m depressed. I hate that I was molested as a child. I hate that I was raped. I HATE LIFE.

but I am still here-trying. Why is that not enough for them?

 

Self-Harm…

ImageI’m here again, at the bottom feeling dizzy and empty. I let things fall to my feet and have no emotions to show. My brain screams but my body doesn’t respond. I am nothing but cannot hide. I am here but not. Life is real only when I cut.

Had to do 6 lines today. The nightmares are back and I can’t breath. I have an appointment later today with my psychiatrist. I think it’s time for a change in medication. Effexor is not working. I will also discuss my inability to get through a full day of work again. I think it’s time to go on another medical leave. I am not functioning. I am broken and I can’t continue like this.

 

In an effort to remind myself that self-harm is sometimes a normal reaction I’ve come across this article:

http://self-injury.net/media/famous-self-injurers

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Liebster Award

ImageAfter my post “When the Mind Knows what the Soul has Never Learned“, wsmem14 was kind enough to say that she thinks my blog has helped others! THANK YOU!!! I am new to blogging to be honest and my intent for my blog was to reconnect with myself. I had hoped to blog about my ups and downs of life with PTSD caused by abuse. And somehow find a way back to ME.

Rape. Childhood sexual abuse. Physical abuse. Childhood neglect. Emotional abuse. 

These are my secrets. My secrets that have lead me away from MYSELF. I, like so many of you are on a journey to find myself again inspite of my diagnosis of PTSD/Major Depression. If my blog made even one person smile once then I am glad I decided to blog online instead of write in a journal kept secret.

PTSD/DEPRESSION/ABUSE/MENTAL ILLINESS NEEDS MORE UNASHAMED CONVERSATION. PERIOD.

So, again thank you wsmem14, for sharing your blog-Raised by Psychopaths– with me and everyone else and for nominating me for the Liebster Award. I had to do some research to find out what the award is (I’m new remember)and found all the info here.

Raised by Psychopaths is a real, down to earth person with a big heart and an open mind. She has lived a difficult life as many of us have, and fought her way through many abusive circumstances. She write a beautiful blog about her journey through life and offers hope to me as well as many of you. She is a MUST READ. Find out her answers to the questions below HERE.

On with the questions….

1.  Who do you write for?    Initially I wrote PTSD-From the Inside Out only for myself to try to find my way back to ME. To try and reconnect with my feelings so I could get some control back over my life. Now when I write I keep in mind all the awesome people that regularly read my blog. I write for anyone that is going through PTSD/Depression. I don’t filter my words and I don’t often have any answers but I will still continue to write for myself and you.

2.  If the internet went down, would you still continue to write?  YES. My ultimate goal for writing still remains even if I cannot connect to others via the internet. .

3.  What do you wish the world understood about domestic abuse?  That both the abuser and abused are suffering from a mental illness of some sort. MENTAL ILLNESS is in my opinion the biggest obstacle that human’s will ever face. It is not easy to define, not easy to admit, not easy to” cure”. It remains a taboo subject and it’s influence is active in every part of our lives. Domestic abuse is only one result of mental illness that has gone on unchecked for far too long. And both parties involved needs help whether they realize it or not. Mental illness need NOT be taboo anymore.

4.  What would you say is the biggest passion in your life?    Ensuring that my daughter receives the right messages from me-meaning she feels LOVED, PROTECTED, RESPECTED, etc. I will not she her the abuse my Mother showed me. I will treat my daughter how I should have been treated.

5.  Have you ever told a lie on your blog?  No.  Why lie? I simply don’t get it.

6.  What type of blogs do you like?  I am pretty new to blogging, but I find comfort and new insight in reading blogs about the things that are truly challenging to me in my life-PTSD/Depression, effects of abuse both as a child and adult. I also have a love of the arts-writing, painting, photography…etc So, I often follow those types of blogs. And inspite of my depression and negative view of the world I try to follow blogs that center around being positive.

7.  If you could have a dinner party with 10 famous figures dead or alive, who would they be?   My daughter as a grown woman(her future version), My husband, My sister,(these are not truly ‘famous’ people but in my life they certainly are).

Judith Herman (psychiatrist), Edvard Munch(painter and suffered from ptsd), Albert Einstein, Dalai Lama(current) Oprah Winfrey(suffers from ptsd), Johnny depp(actor and suffers from ptsd), Colin Farrell(actor, self-injurer).

Now that would make for an interesting dinner party.

8.  What do you think is the best thing about blogging?   It keeps me focused on who I AM and offers me view points from others that I otherwise may not have considered. It aids in my journey to find a connection to myself again.

9.  Describe your personality in 3 words:   This is a tough one as I am depressed and my self-hate is high today…….Creative, Open-minded, Honest

10.  Name a person who has made a significant impact on your life.  My Grandmother.  She is the reason I am a good Mother. She has always showed me love and compassion. She is the only person that offered me protection when I was a child and I will forever be grateful. She is a strong, positive, fair woman that is never in a bad mood. She is encouraging, down to hearth and accepting. She is a true angel.

~

10 Random Facts About Me:

  1.  I am a pisces.
  2. I have 2 tats-one butterfly and one a symbolic ribbon in the colors teal and purple for ptsd/domestic abuse.
  3. I spend a lot of time thinking about the meaning of life.
  4. I love plants and if I were to choose a different profession I would be a horticulturist
  5. I simply LOVE tea-green, peppermint, orange peko…
  6. I’m afraid of horses.
  7. I usually always wear large hoop earrings.
  8. I believe in reincarnation.
  9. I cannot whistle, but spend a lot of time trying anyway.
  10. My eyes often change color-from grey, to blue, to green.

Blogs I nominate for the Liebster Award:

Your 10 Questions:
1.  Who do you write for?
2. What type of blogs do you like?
3.  What do you wish the world understood about PTSD?
4.  What would you say is the biggest passion in your life?
5.  What are you most proud of?
6.  What activity makes you feel like yourself the most?
7.  If you could have a dinner party with 10 famous figures dead or alive, who would they be?
8.  If you could choose a different profession for this life hat would it  be? 
9.  Describe your personality in 3 words: 
10.  Name a person who has made a significant impact on your life.

The Official Rules Of The Liebster Award 

If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award AND YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, write a blog post about the Liebster award in which you:

1. thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2. display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. 

3. answer 10 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. provide 10 random facts about yourself.

5. nominate up to 10 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)

6. create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

7. list these rules in your post . Once you have written and published it, you then have to:

8. Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)

What is Bullying? What is Harassment? And how far would you go to ensure it is not in your workplace?

Well it’s been a few days since my last post and a lot has happened.

I was on day 2(in a row) of work and I was sure I would make it through with out a panic attack or some other form of break down. I as wrong.

I won’t go into the nitty gritty details of it but basically the workplace bully had been picking at me all morning but I was able to brush Imageher off without incident. Until she escalated her insults and verbally harassed me in front of the entire lab(I work in a medical laboratory). Basically, I asked her to do a job for me and she agreed but she wanted me to write out the exact tests involved-something we are not required to do as everyone is suppose to know this information. And if they don’t know the information we are all provided with manuals where we can easily look the info up. So, I simply said can you look it up as I’m very busy(yesterday it took 5 people to do the same amount of work I had in front of me today).

She was simply appalled that I would ask her to look something up. She started to turn red and yelled-Well, I’m doing YOUR work so you should write it out. OMG…the way it works in the lab is that we each have our own benches(I was on respiratory bench), but when we are done our work we are to then take jobs from the other more challenging benches. So, she wasn’t doing “my” work she was doing a respiratory bench job. 

So, I replied to her very professionally and said just that-you’re actually not doing my work, your doing a job from the respiratory benches cultures. 

Then she yelled at me again(not commanding the attention of everyone in the lab), and said-“Well, your a real piece of work today aren’t you”. 

I was humiliated. I felt like she was basically calling me a bitch. Something that my alcoholic step father use to call me all the time. It instantly made me fell very small, and reminded me that my feelings and my rights don’t matter. That I am worthless and I just started to cry. Right there in the middle of the damn lab. I looked at her and told her that she was very unprofessional and her words obviously hurt my feelings. I said so the entire audience could hear-This is a professional work environment and I expect you to be able to do your job and treat me with respect while you do it.Image

She didn’t say anything. In fact NOBODY SAID A WORD. You could hear a pin drop so to speak. I tried so badly to contain my emotions and wanted to be able to brush it off and go back to work but I couldn’t breath and I know hat that means-panic attack. 

 

I had to leave work and have called in sick for my 2 shifts that followed. I have written a formal complaint of harassment to my supervisor and to our ‘respectful workplace’ department. Something I have done before but nothing came of my complaint. Actually the person that harassed me got a promotion shortly after. 

 

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The rep from respectful workplace said she didn’t think what I had described was bullying or harassment. WTF????

Under WorkSafeBC laws, bullying and
harassment includes any inappropriate conduct
or comment by a person towards a worker that
the person knew or reasonably ought to have
known would cause that worker to be humiliated
or intimidated, but excludes any reasonable action
taken by an employer or supervisor relating to
the management and direction of workers or the
place of employment.

 

 

Because of the confusion surrounding what is bullying and harassment I went ahead and made a complaint to Work Safe BC. The rep said it is very much in fact harassment. He told me that as of October last year the government of Canada has passed a bill that states each company must have a policy in place and a formal way to investigate complaints of bullying and harassment. Note only that, but each employee MUST be trained to know the definitions of bullying/harassment and know how to make complaints if need be. THIS HAS NOT BEEN DONE. So, anyways he is going to do a pop in inspection sometime within the next few weeks.

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I need your opinions PLEASE. Good or bad, agree or disagree with me I am desperate to hear different view points on this matter. Did I do the right thing in contacting WorkSafe BC? I am quite scared of how I will be treated by my supervisors and some employees after all this.

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